List of Viz comic strips

A–E

• Abel Unstable – A man convinced he will suddenly catch fire at any moment, but never does. The strip often ends with someone else spontaneously combusting or exploding, leading Abel to grumble and remark "lucky sod" or similar.
• Acker Bilk – See Jimmy Hill.
• Abraham Lincoln – A strip about the 16th president of the USA feeling so envious about Isambard Brunel having a taller hat than him.
• Abraham Linked-in – A strip about Abraham Lincoln constantly getting messages on his smartphone from the app LinkedIn.
• Adam and the Aunts – Adam Ant receives help from his four elderly aunts.
• Afternoon tea with Mr Kiplin – About Mr Kiplin inviting someone over for tea but because he eats so much cake, he eventually vomits for the whole night.
• Aladdin and his Magic Tramp – A parody of Aladdin with a homeless person instead of a genie.
• Albert Einstein – About Albert Einstein and the antics of his three nephews, Hughlich, Dewlich and Loulich.
• Albert Gordon – Traffic Warden – A strip from the Big Hard Number Two annual about a corrupt traffic warden who assaults members of the public and gives them fines for the most extraordinary reasons.
• Albert O' Balsam and his Magic Hat – A man who claims his hat has magic powers, but who annoys everyone he sees.
• Alcan Foil Wrapped Pork Stock Warrior – a young boy who becomes a "superhero" with the aid of tinfoil and pork stock.
• Aldridge Prior – a pathological liar whose lies are ludicrous, such as The Nolan Sisters living in his fridge or he is related to some very famous person. Prior is instantly recognizable for his unfashionable dress, usually a tartan jacket with a sheepskin collar and a pair of uncomfortable-looking platform shoes.
• Alexander Graham Bell-End – a crazy inventor who continually rubs his penis on things and then tricks his assistant into touching them with his hands or mouth, at which point Alexander laughs uproariously whilst exclaiming "I TOTALLY rubbed my bell-end on that!" A pun on Alexander Graham Bell.
• Anna Reksik – a model who repeatedly vomits in order to keep her thin shape. Most strips involve Anna resorting to extreme lengths to lose weight ; only to unwittingly eat something that causes her to instantly put on an unrealistically huge amount of weight. The strip attracted press controversy because of the strip's portrayal of eating disorders and cocaine addiction.
• Archie McBlarter – Everyday Farting Dilemmas – A newer strip featuring a middle-aged and rather obese man who has almost permanent trouble with his guts. He is his own worst enemy, as he loves the various types of food which cause extreme flatulence, such as scotch eggs, curries, beans, etc. Sometimes he comes to grief in the most extreme way, for example, he has a giant fart at the same time a bolt of lightning hits his house, and the fart explodes spectacularly, destroying the home and he ending up in hospital. The last frame has him ordering his breakfast – scotch eggs.
• Arse Farm – One-off strip about a farmer who cultivates human buttocks on his land.
• Arsehole Kate – One-off parody of Keyhole Kate in which Kate instead likes to look up people's bottoms.
• As If By Tragic – A parody of Mr Benn, in which the shopkeeper dies of a heart attack while Mr Benn is on the moon, leading to astronauts finding his body fifty-years later wondering how he got there.
• Auntie Cockwise – An old lady who can tell the size of a man's penis just by looking at him, much to the amusement of her little nephew.
• Bad Bob, the Randy Wonder Dog – About a policeman who visits a retirement home on Christmas Day with his Jack Russell terrier Bad Bob, who proceeds to have sex with one of the resident's legs causing him to have a heart attack.
• Bad Girl Ballet Borstal at the Bottom of the Sea – A girl is sent to an underwater borstal and forced to do ballet lessons all day. She discovers that the establishment is part of an elaborate scheme to send the borstal inmates to a zoo as food for tigers. The girl attempts to raise the alarm, but is trapped by the homicidal ghost of Rudolf Nureyev, with the strip abruptly ending on an explanation that had it continued she would have been miraculously rescued by police in a submarine.
• Badly Drawn Man – a poorly drawn character.
• Badly Overdrawn Boy – a parody of the pop singer Badly Drawn Boy, who is seen busking outside his local bank because he is broke
• Balsa Boy – a take on Pinocchio, in which a lonely old pensioner makes a "son" from balsa wood. While Balsa Boy does have dialogue, all the speech bubbles unambiguously emanate from the old man. The strip ends with the old man being sent to a mental institution after burning down the house while trying to dry off Balsa Boy in front of the fire, but by the last frame he is busy working on making another "boy" out of scones.
• Balthazar Sparrow and his Shit Christmas Gift Disposal Wheelbarrow – A one-off strip where the titular character collects unwanted Christmas presents on Boxing Day from people for £1 each and takes them to the local tip on his wheelbarrow, only to have to spend all the money he's earned on a disposal charge as since he's being paid to take it the rubbish is reclassified from 'domestic waste' to 'commercial waste'.
• Barbara Cartland's... – Barbara Cartland pays a visit somewhere and ends up inadvertently foiling criminals.
• Barnaby Grudge - A successful businessman who always seems to hold resentment over the smallest thing on people even though it happened many years previously and most other people would have forgiven. A play on the Charles Dickens book Barnaby Rudge
• Barnaby's Spelling Bees – A strip about a boy called Barnaby Bixby who owns a swarm of African Killer Bees who can sting anyone if their owner says a word beginning with the second letter of the English alphabet.
• Barny the Complete Bastard – A strip featured in The Big Stiff One annual about some guy getting falsely accused of doing bad things for no reason.
• Barney Brimstone's Biscuit Tin Circus – a boy who owns a miniature circus inside a biscuit tin.
• Barry the Cat – a one-off parody of The Beanos acrobatic crimefighter Billy the Cat. Unlike his Beano equivalent, Barry is incompetent, hopelessly uncoordinated, and is immediately recognised despite his "cat-suit" disguise. The final panel shows him in hospital, suffering from multiple injuries, being told that he has acted "very foolishly".
• Bart Conrad – a store detective who takes his job far too seriously.
• Bassey Come Home – in which a young boy who lives on a farm has Shirley Bassey as a pet, and must fight to keep her from being sold when the farm falls on hard times.
• Baxter Basics – An occasional strip featuring an extremely amoral, self-serving and sexually deviant right-wing Conservative MP who first appeared at around the same time as John Major's Back to Basics campaign, and a transparent statement on the hypocrisy of politicians. Drawn by Simon Thorp.
• Becky Thump – a girl from the North of England who hates southerners so much she even assaults a supermarket delivery man for bringing her southern fried chicken. Is also shown reading a book entitled '1001 reasons to hate Southerners'. Her name is a parody of the Northern expletive 'Ecky-Thump!'.
• Beddley Wetterton – A strip about a man who attempts to wet his bed, but his various flatmates keep preventing him to do so.
• Beeny of the Lamp – An Aladdin parody in which Sarah Beeny comes out of a magic lamp to help a young couple wishing for advice on buying a property.
• Ben and the Space Walrus – a one-off strip centred on a fat kid named Ben who finds a SpaceWalrus and eats his dog Bunny.
• Benny's Hedges – a one-off strip featuring a boy who walked round with two hedges on wheels, helping various members of society. This included a peeping tom who used the hedges to hide behind, and leer at passing ladies. Benny also created a "maze" to entertain two unruly children, one of which exclaimed "Tee-hee, help, I'm lost!" The name is a play on words of the cigarette brand Benson and Hedges.
• Bert Midler, Biddy-Fiddler – a pervert with a fetish for very elderly women. After he finally gets a date with a 92-year-old, he is disappointed to be told that she has died; only to cheer up again when he is invited to her funeral with all her friends of similar age.
• Bertie Blunt – a boy who owns an extremely violent, foul-mouthed parrot that insults everyone and encourages him to commit suicide. When the parrot kills Bertie's grandmother, who leaves them all her money, Bertie fights back by spending his inheritance on a microwave oven which he then uses to cook the parrot alive. Chris Donald, creator of Viz, has said that in the early days of the magazine he would not permit the "c word" to be used, until an outside artist sent him this strip which he found to be so good he decided to use it anyway.
• Bicycle Bellend – a man on a bicycle berating drivers for "showing him disrespect" even though he is actually the dangerous road user, getting his comeuppance when he tells off a burly driver who subsequently beats him up.
• Biffa Bacon – A very long-running icon of Viz, featuring Biffa and his family – Mutha and Fatha – hail from the Tyneside region of North East England and speak in the Geordie dialect. Biffa is constantly subjected to abuse by his parents – even being kicked in the groin by both of them. Biffa is a visual parody of the character Bully Beef from The Dandy. His mother, who is rough-looking and masculine, resembles Desperate Dan. The characters were allegedly inspired by a real family observed by Viz editor Chris Donald in Newcastle upon Tyne city centre, where the son began an unprovoked assault on another boy; the parents, rather than intervening, began shouting encouragement to their child. As soon as it appeared the victim of the assault was able to defend himself, the father joined in the attack, ceasing only when police officers intervened. Some characters who have extended the Bacon family include Biffa's new baby brother Basha and a dog called Knacka, Biffa's uncle Dekka, Biffa's grandfather who is bald, and also Biffa's grandma. Accasionally he comes into contact with his opposite number, Cedric Soft. This character's name speaks for itself!
• Big Fuckin' Dave – a big, burly and mentally unstable man with his name often tattooed across his forehead, sometimes back-to-front, who beats people up for being 'queeahs' because he believes they are drinking only a half-pint of beer, not drinking the full ten pints before having a slash or smoking less than full-strength cigarettes. Usually egged on by his much smaller, trouble-making friend. Has been part of other strips, notably Sid the Sexist.
• Big Jobs – a one-off strip in which Steve Jobs unveils the iPoo, a portable toilet which he demonstrates by defecating and vomiting into it. It is revealed that the waste is sent to another dimension where it is eaten by the inhabitants who do not care where it comes from since it is free.
• Big John Holmes and the Hendersons – The Henderson family accidentally hit the famous adult star John Holmes with their car. Believing he is dead, they drive him home, intending to hide the body; but he turns out to still be alive. The children want Holmes to continue living with them, but after he repeatedly tries to seduce the mother in stereotypical porn fashion, the family agrees to drop him off on the set of a porn film. They think their troubles are over - only to run over Stormy Daniels on the way back.
• Big Vern – an East End gangster. Almost every strip follows the same story, in which Vern and his friend Ernie will begin an ordinary activity but with Vern convinced they are actually committing a criminal 'job', believing Ernie's protests that they are not is just a cover story. At some point, a person will make an innocent remark which makes Vern shoot the person in the head believing he is the police before then shooting Ernie and occasionally others, and finally himself. The shootings are always shown in an extremely graphic fashion, but despite this both are always resurrected for the next issue. Vern's second name is Dakin, a reference to the notably violent 1971 British crime thriller Villain, whose anti-hero is named Vic Dakin.
• Bill WeetaBixby – a one-off parody of The Incredible Hulk about Bill Bixby who turns into a violent piece of Weetabix when he' is confronted by muggers, only for them to promptly step on him.
• Billy Banana Head – An early strip about a man with said fruit for a head.
• Billy Bloater – an extremely fat and greedy schoolboy whose gut is so vast that it distorts gravity and pulls stray bank notes into his reach, allowing him to indulge in an 'all you can eat' feast which increases his density until he effectively becomes a black hole and the artist realises that he does not know how to complete the strip.
• Billy Bottom and his Zany Toilet Pranks – a literal toilet humour strip, based around a somewhat obese man and his attempts to defecate whilst various factors and circumstances conspire to prevent him from doing so. The first strip carried a spoof certificate of the type given to films by the BBFC, classifying the strip as "puerile". One of the latest has him as a caveman who is caught by the incoming Ice-Age, and is frozen solid for two million years. He is eventually freed by two archaeologists but the stink is so atrocious that he advises them 'I'd leave it for ten minutes if I were you!' Conceived by Tom Bambridge.
• Billy Bound – a man whose friends constantly trick him into offering to buy the next round of drinks.
• Billy's Bollocks – A one off strip from The Big Hard Number 2 annual about a person called Billy Baxter who found a pair of large spherical fossils in a rubbish bin outside a natural history museum and uses them for a game of Conkers. He ends up throwing them into some man's car and gets ten pounds from him and then flies away using his balls as a helicopter to escape a bully.
• Billy Britain – a right-wing ultra-nationalist resembling Enoch Powell who appeared in two very early strips. Chris Donald considers him an early prototype of Major Misunderstanding. He also made a one-off reappearance in the September 2002 issue satirising the issue of asylum seekers, where after he spends the strip making several futile attempts to round up illegal immigrants, the local authorities turn his home into a detention centre for refugees.
• Billy Bumble Beard – A man who has a beard of bees, who consequently cannot attract ladies. The one lady he finally got off with was Marjorie Wasp-Fanny, but ended up with a large bandage on his private area for obvious reasons.
• Billy the Fish – A very long-running and iconic VIZ strip featuring Billy who is half man, half fish, he is a star footballer despite being drawn with no legs. The strip is a satire of, or homage to, the popular football comics of the 1960s and 1970s such as Roy of the Rovers, and also satirises topical football incidents. Starred in a spinoff cartoon, voiced by Harry Enfield. According to Viz cartoonist Graham Dury, "half the readers thought was shit, and the other half thought it was really shit." Undaunted, Viz cheerfully called one installment "Billy the Shit". Each episode ends with an 'on the brink' promising to resolve in the next publication...but never does.
• Billy No-Mates – a miserable, asocial teenage boy who spends most of his time alone in his dark room playing video games. If anyone disturbs him he becomes extremely irritated. He also has an obsession with masturbating, collecting large numbers of pornographic magazines and calling sex hotlines.
• Billy Quiz – a man who constantly acts like a game show host in everyday situations.
• Bipolar Bear – a polar bear who suffers from severe bipolar disorder.
• Biscuits Alive! – some biscuits that mysteriously come to life to help their boy owner out of some trivial problem.
• Black Bag – "The faithful border bin liner". A black bin liner which lives the exciting life of a sheepdog; a parody of The Dandy's Black Bob and the anthropomorphism of animals. Black Bag was drawn by Graham Murdoch, under the pen name of Snoddy. Black Bag rescued Brotherhood of Man from a well.
• Bo and Luke Brummell – A parody of The Dukes of Hazzard in which the two main characters are Regency-era dandies.
• Bob-a-Mob – A man who becomes violently enraged and attacks others he perceives as paedophiles, always due to some kind of misunderstanding or his own paranoia.
• Bob-Faced Betty of the Biscuit Shop Ballet – A young ballerina who, after plastic surgery gone wrong, is stuck with the face of TV presenter Bob Holness.
• Bob Mortified – One-off strip in which Bob Mortimer goes fishing with Paul Whitehouse. After failing to catch a single fish, Mortimer is so embarrassed he bursts into tears; while Whitehouse decides he'd rather fish with Harry Enfield instead.
• Bodley Basin – "He's On The Square". The adventures of a "strict Freemason". This one-off strip ended with the apparent murder of the cartoonist.
• Bonnie and Clyde – A young Bonnie Langford, in her role as Violet Elizabeth Bott, teams up with Clyde, the orangutan from the film Every Which Way But Loose, to commit robberies.
• Boswell Boyce – He Throws His Voice – An incompetent ventriloquist who repeatedly tries and fails to become famous.
• The Bottom Inspectors – based on the traffic wardens of Newcastle. The Bottom Inspectors were also influenced by a single editorial comment made by John Brown, the original publisher of Viz Comic: "The only editorial comment I ever made", explains Brown, "was in the early days, when I told Chris that I thought one issue was particularly 'bottomy'. He didn't say much at the time, but The Bottom Inspectors appeared for the first time in the next issue." Considerable overtones of Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-four as well as more than a hint of the Nazis. Their shout 'BARE YOUR BOTTOMS!' has become almost iconic, even appearing on the front cover recently!
• Boy Scouse – a gang of delinquent schoolboys from Liverpool who earn Boy Scout badges for mugging pensioners, spraying graffiti and other such antisocial activities. MP Louise Ellman complained that it set a bad example and petitioned to have it banned.
• Boyz R Uz – A stereotypical boy band who are ripped off by their handler. They do not sing or dance – only mime.
• Brian's Bannister – An early strip about a boy who owned a bannister who tries to take it to the local park, only to find out that bannisters are not allowed in public.
• Brian Can't – Brian Cant becomes dissatisfied with working on Play School, as he feels that Humpty is not making an effort and has become too difficult to work with. Humpty insists that he's deliberately giving a more subdued, nuanced performance than Cant's, and ends up beating out Cant to win a BAFTA, while Cant is left to drown his sorrows with Professor Yaffle.
• Brian Cunt – a representative from a gas supply company, who, when called out to a suspected gas leak, does nothing to help and instead pressures the customer to buy a new central heating system they do not need, resulting in the house blowing up.
• Britpop Pop Bri – A man obsessed with nineties Britpop.
• The Broon Windsors – a parody of the Royal Family in the style of The Broons and referring to Brown Windsor soup.
• Brown Bottle – a reporter who thinks he becomes a superhero when he is drunk on Newcastle Brown Ale. In reality, all that happens is that he becomes viciously drunk and passes out, but the twist in the story is that he manages to save the day anyway, by sheer accident. The character is based on Davey Graham, a musician friend of Chris Donald's, who made a similar transformation under the influence. Brown Bottle's enemy Ciderwoman appeared in this strip and her own occasional strips in the magazine.
• Brucey's Magic Flying Carpet – A strip about Bruce Forsyth who goes around on his magic flying carpet helping some guy with his thatched cottage roof.
• Bryan Gigs – a young couple repeatedly encounter Bryan Ferry doing low-paid gig economy work, including as a pizza delivery man and Uber driver. Ferry evades questions about why he is doing these jobs despite his successful 50-year career in the music industry, and the couple speculate about how much money he really has.
• Buffalo Jill – a strip narrated in the style of 1950s–60s girls' comics, where a typical heroine from such comics becomes a stagecoach robber in the Wild West, earning a vicious gang's respect by gorily shooting several people in the head. A reference to Buffalo Bill.
• Busted – who, until they disbanded in 2005, occasionally appeared in strips portraying them as pyromaniacs/arsonists who would set anything on fire "for a laugh". James Bourne would always be referred to by the wrong name, making fun of his status as the "least famous" of the group.
• Buster Gonad and his Unfeasibly Large Testicles – An iconic VIZ strip featuring a boy who somehow manages to always solve people's problems with his ridiculously large testicles. Featured regularly in early editions, but since has faded out, however still appears every now and then.
• Buz – A parody of Kes where the titular kestrel is replaced with a bluebottle fly.
• Camberwick Greggs – a very bleak parody of Camberwick Green, where Mickey Murphy the baker is driven out of business after a branch of Greggs opens across the road. See also 'Trumptown'
• Calvin and the Chipmunks – A rip-off of a very famous chipmunk trio strip featuring John Calvin and some mischievous chipmunks who get him into trouble with King Henry VIII.
• Captain Morgan and his Hammond Organ – a pirate who sails round the Caribbean inviting people to sing along with him as he plays a Hammond organ. His character was cut when legal action was threatened over the copyright of some of the songs; according to creator Chris Donald in his book, he did not think that making the character sing royalty-free hymns or nursery rhymes would have quite the same comedic effect.
• Captain Captured – the man who's constantly caught. At the start of each strip, Captain Captured would get captured in a mysterious Bond villain-like fashion. He would then escape only to get captured again, and again, and again, and...
• Captain Magnetic – A strip about a man who claims to be a superhero with magnetic powers, only to find out his powers are useless.
• Captain Oats – a one-off strip lampooning the real Antarctic explorer Captain Lawrence Oates. An explorer obsessed with pornography and masturbation, he is depicted skiing across the icy wastes, dragging a wardrobe on its own set of skis upon which is hidden his stash of pornographic magazines. However, his efforts to masturbate are continually frustrated by the presence of his companions. Eventually he gives his famous line "I'm just going outside, I might be some time', and ends up in the latrine with his fingers freezing off.
• Captain Unreliable – A superhero who fails to save the day because of oversleeping, his car breaking down, etc.
• Careless McKenzie – A strip about a man who does all kinds of jobs in a reckless way.
• Cedric Soft - A counterbalance to Biffa Bacon. He is utterly effeminate and when he appears is badly bullied by Biffa. He was originally represented as Percy Posh.
• Chadwell O'Cheese and his Cormorants of Futility – A strip about a boy who keeps cormorant birds and tries to save the mayor's balloon which got stuck in a tree, only to have him change his mind and so Chadwell hangs himself from the branch of the tree where the balloon is.
• Champion the Wonder Arse – Young Chip McCain had befriended a magnificent wild hairy arse named Champion, which roamed the plains around the little town of Windy Creek in Arizona.
• Charitable Chester – an unintelligent boy who constantly tries to raise money for charity, but either fails or raises very little, leaving his father seriously out of pocket.
• Charlie and the Sportswear Factory – A parody of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where Charlie Buckett and his Grandpa Joe are hereby invited to Mickey Wonga's Sportswear factory where the workers are treated very cruelly.
• Charlie and Chubby Telly Voyeurs – a pair of security guards who misuse the CCTV cameras to leer at women rather than look for any wrongdoing – during which a robbery takes place.
• Charlie Christ – A one off strip about Charlie Chaplin depicted as Jesus Christ.
• Chester Thing – The comic character with no attribute whatsoever.
• Christ on a Bender – a strip which depicts Jesus as a family man who keeps trying to escape the house to get "crucified" with his friends but is thwarted at every turn by his wife forcing him to stay home with her and look after their children.
• Christ on a Bike – a strip which depicts Jesus's life riding a magical bicycle. Pontius Pilate has him crucified due to envy since Pilate only has a girl's bike.
• Christ School – A parody of the Bash Street Kids depicted as Jesus Christ.
• Cilla Blackbeard – a strip portraying Cilla Black as a vicious pirate captain who evades and defeats the Royal Navy, led by Admiral Noel Edmonds and his crew of rival TV presenters.
• Cindy Francis and her Kitty Cat Majorettes – A woman who thinks she has trained a team of cats to perform as majorettes. In reality, the cats just attack her or run away when she tries to get them to perform.
• Closet Casey Jones – A strip about an American train driver who fancies married women but secretly fancies muscular men.
• Cockney Wanker – a swaggering, bigoted Londoner who speaks in rhyming slang which is often concocted in his speech. The character is based on actor Mike Reid. He wears much cheap gold jewellery or Argos bling and East End gangster dark glasses, and is often seen smoking a cigar. Wanker's speciality is the buying and selling of cars, often buying one, selling it back to the same person at the same price and then waving his wad of cash declaring the transaction to have been "a nice little earner", although he has appeared in a considerable number of other enterprises, some of which actually work – at least for a while. He is the personification of the 'Northerners' impression of the -'London/Southern' personage. His name, as it contains an obscenity, is "spoonerised" whenever featured on the front page of an issue of Viz, as it would be easily read by children who are otherwise not entitled to buy the magazine. Hence he becomes "Wockney Canker", or it's covered by a picture element.
• Colin the Amiable Crocodile – strips centred on a small crocodile named Colin. In one strip he was shot by a birdwatcher because he said "hello" to the man. The character also appeared later on front covers of other issues, such as with a skinhead who tells people to buy the comic or he shoots the croc. Overtones of Loopy De Loop
• Colin and his Conker – a boy obsessed with playing conkers.
• The Conference Kids – two children who work with their father in organising business conferences on mundane subjects.
• Cop Her Knickers – an elderly woman's dealings with a gang of policemen who are constantly, and inexplicably, trying to steal her underwear
• Copper Kettle – quoted as "The PC who loves his PG", the strip follows the life of the policeman and his futile attempts to obtain some tea – his favourite beverage – while on his beat.
• Corky the Twat – a cat that is hired by Viz to get up to amusing comic-style antics and make readers laugh. Unfortunately, Corky is a normal cat and would rather scratch the furniture or hunt mice than do anything funny. The editor ends up taking him back to the pet shop to ask for something "more anthropomorphic." The strip is a parody of Korky the Cat.
• Courier of the Track – One-off strip about a parcel delivery courier who is recruited for the Olympics when a coach sees how fast he runs back to the van after posting a 'Sorry we missed you' card through his letterbox.
• Crap Jokes – a diverse range of verbal and visual puns or one-liners, usually deliberately corny or old-fashioned. The best known of the Crap Jokes are seemingly endless "Doctor, Doctor" gags, with the reader's sympathy drawn to the endlessly hapless straight man Doctor.
• Crawford Crayon – He's Quick On The Sketch – a one-off story about a brilliant and mischievous quick-sketch artist, whose 'harmless fun' leads to the death of the hapless Bully Smith.
• The Critics – pretentious and shallow high-culture critics who lampoon the perceived elitism of the "chattering classes". They work for The Sunday Chronicle, though they have done freelance work with the BBC and Channel 4, writing elitist and sometimes sycophantic articles on contemporary art. The artists they admire are all fictional but are clearly inspired by real-life artists such as Damien Hirst and Tracey Emin. A frequent plot device involves Natasha and Crispin mistaking some everyday object – like a fire extinguisher, puddle of vomit or even some public toilets – as a piece of modern art. In other episodes, they do not grasp the concept of art at all. They once received a booby prize at the Critics' Awards for bringing the reputation of critics into disrepute for writing a review that was not only positive, but actually made sense!
• Crypto Nige – A man who tries to get his uninterested friends and family to invest in cryptocurrency, only to end up losing all his money.
• The Cuckoo Clock Chalet Ballet School – one-off strip about a group a ballerinas attending a dance school in the Swiss Alps shaped like a cuckoo clock working together to prevent Tim Martin from buying the building and turning it into a Wetherspoons.
• Daley Starr – a schoolboy aspiring to be a journalist, who turns his family's and classmates' misfortunes into exaggerated "scoops". His name is a play on the Daily Star tabloid newspaper.
• Danny Davis and the Robot Pimp – a young boy whose best friend is an android pimp from outer space.
• Danny's District Council – a one-off story parodying General Jumbo of The Beano, in which a young boy commands his own electronic radio-controlled district council. The tiny robotic council workers are all lazy, corrupt and incompetent and eventually switch their allegiance to the villains. The comic occasionally features other parodies of General Jumbo, including "Jimbo Jumbo's Robo Jobos", "Oliver's Army" and "Drill-Sergeant Jumbo".
• Darren Dice – a young man who is obsessed with gambling. Sadly, he often chooses to gamble with the wrong crowd. The character is allegedly based on, and bears a remarkable resemblance to, retired Scottish footballer Darren Jackson. Jackson spent a couple of seasons at Newcastle United in the late 1980s and became a familiar face in bookmakers' shops in the city.
• D.C. Thompson The Humourless Scottish Git – created in retaliation after D. C. Thomson & Co. Ltd threatened legal action over a variety of Viz spoofs based on characters from The Beano and The Dandy, including Biffa Bacon, Black Bag, "Roger the Lodger", "Wanker Watson", "Arsehole Kate" and many more. The title character was portrayed as a miserly stereotypical Scotsman who goes about looking for breaches of copyright he can report, such as threatening to sue a woman who calls her son Dennis a "menace" in his earshot, and demanding that a pet shop owner remove an advertisement for "Three Bears for the Price of Two" from the shop window. Eventually, he becomes so enraged that he urinates in his kilt. Not to be outdone, The Dandy responded by resurrecting an old strip The Jocks and the Geordies – representing the Scottish-based D.C. Thomson and Newcastle upon Tyne-based Viz. In the strip, the rival gangs of schoolboys are asked to produce a comic. The Jocks' comic is better, of course, but the underhand Geordies decide to copy them. Viz responded in kind by parodying Korky the Cat as "Corky the Twat" in the next issue.
• Debt of Honour – a Mafia hitman is tasked with buying cement from a DIY store for a mob assassination, but fails due to the unhelpful shop staff, problems with the self-checkout, etc.
• Dench's Benches – A strip where Dame Judi Dench lounges all over a pair of park benches and chases away a man who wanted to sit on one of them.
• Denis Helium – a boy who believes he is as light as a feather, but is in fact quite obese.
• Dennis the Red Menace – a Communist-themed parody of Dennis the Menace.
• Derek Anorak - An extremely socially inept young man obsessed with Star Trek and other sci-fi media.
• Derek's Boots – A one off strip about a boy called Derek Hobson who wore a big pair of Doctor Marten boots and went around and kicked everyone, only to get a new pair of smaller shoes and then get kicked by the people he once harmed.
• Desert Island Desk – a dialogue-free strip about an office desk which has been marooned on a desert island; the title refers to Desert Island Discs and the Topper comic story Desert Island Dick.
• Desert Island Teacher – a teacher stranded on a windswept rock. He has decided that "once a teacher, always a teacher", and inflicts monotonous lectures on the seagulls and molluscs. A major feature of the strip is that he never actually says anything of any academic value, but instead spends all his time saying iconic teacher's statements like "Face the front" and "I will not start until I have absolute quiet". He is rescued by a navy search and rescue team, only to admonish them as if they were a delinquent pupil, saying: "You think you're so clever, being able to fly a helicopter, but it's not going to help you in the real world." The rescue crew throw him off the helicopter for insulting them.
• Desperately Unfunny Dan – parody of barrel-chested Desperate Dan who tries too hard to amuse people with his superhuman feats of strength.
• Diane Abbott and Costello – A strip where Diane Abbott and Lou Costello are guest presenters of Question Time, but argue over the seating plan, with Costello constantly misunderstanding Abbott's instructions in the style of his famous routine Who's on First?
• Dickie Beasley – a schoolboy who wants to be an ad executive. His attempts to advertise or improve something menial and fails because he puts too much thought and planning into it.
• Dickie's Disappointing Grandpa – A one off strip about a boy whose grandfather is an inventor who makes the most boring contraptions ever.
• Doctor Poo – a spoof of Doctor Who depicting the title character, utterly desperate to move his bowels, unable to find a toilet in the whole of space–time. He eventually relieves himself in Davros's "private shitehouse" on the planet Skaro. The story was animated with the Dr Who theme incorporating considerable farts in the notes.
• Doctor Poolittle – a spoof of Doctor Dolittle depicting the title character severely constipated and attempting to learn how to defecate from zoo animals. After a lion roars at him, he soils his trousers.
• Doctor Sex – "He has the power of all sex."
• Doctor Theodore Gray and his Fantastic Growth Ray – A one off strip about a scientist who invented a formula to make things increase in size. However, when he tries it on a local policeman, it all backfires.
• Doctor Wholittle – a parody of Doctor Who and Doctor Dolittle where the Doctor travels back in time to speak to dinosaurs before their extinction.
• Dom and Jerry – a once-only quarter-page parody of Tom and Jerry where a BDSM-obsessed cat is trying to catch the mouse to perform his twisted sexual acts on it.
• Door Matt – A one-off strip featuring a man and his relationship with his...fiancée? who has him utterly under her thumb and is carrying on with other people, not even trying to hide it. At one point she leaves him waiting in the car at the airport and takes off to Ibiza with his credit card, lives the high-life, and on returning treats him like muck. A friend tries to reason with him, but fails badly, ending up in bed with the girl in question, who tells Matt to go away and leave them to it – which he does. Sad, but one feels that there are indeed poor misbegottens like Matt in the world.
• Drake's Cake – He's Got a Cake For Heaven's Sake – A strip about Sir Francis Drake trying to protect a cake.
• Driving David Beckham or Driving Mister David – a spoof of Beezer and Beano comic strip "The Numskulls" in which we see the inner thought processes – or lack thereof – of David Beckham. The title is based on the film Driving Miss Daisy.
• Drooly-Doo – a parody of Scooby-Doo set during the Russian Revolution.
• Drum Miner – a drummer who can only play in confined spaces, made redundant by the closure of his local coal mine. He attempts to find work, but fails due to his niche abilities and finally commits suicide by jumping off his bass drum with a noose around his neck. Tragically, an eccentric millionaire appears minutes later looking to offer permanent employment to someone who can play drums inside his cupboard. A spoof of the films of Ken Loach.
• Drunken Bakers – a long-running, darkly-hilarious strip about two alcoholic bakers who, because of their affliction, hardly ever manage to bake anything, and if they actually do it is almost always spoiled by one of them vomiting over it. Their shop is run down and is often burnt down due to a left-on stove and has few customers; the pair sometimes look back to more prosperous, happier times, but are always brought back to their dismal present-day reality. See the link for a fuller description.
• Eight Ace – A long-running and iconic strip featuring an alcoholic who drinks "Ace" beer and struggles to stay on the right side of his wife and many children. Because of his alcoholism, he is not allowed to live in the house and ends up sleeping off the latest hangover in a shed in the front garden. Many of the strips involve Ace being entrusted with or somehow managing to acquire exactly £1.49 which he inevitably uses to buy "Eight Ace" from Patel's "Twenty-four-hour nano-mart". His real name has been mentioned as "Octavius Tinsworthy Federidge Ace", the "Federidge" in his name being derived from the now-defunct Federation Brewery which brewed "Ace" lager, and "Octavius" being derived from octo, Latin for "eight". The "Tinsworthy" refers to the cans of beer. Hence his name parallels "eight tins of Federation Ace". He has been unofficially voted the "Patron Saint of Dead Losses".
• Eight Ball Joe – An early strip from the early 1980s where the titular character is portrayed with no intelligence.
• Electric Space Copter Kid – A boy who thinks he is a superhero with an "electric space copter" that is actually just a space hopper. He accidentally stops a fleeing robber and wins an award from the police.
• Elton John's... – a series of strips have the pop star portrayed as a petty scamster. The strips typically open with Elton engaged in a stereotypical celebrity activity like launching a new album, being interviewed for a celebrity magazine, or partying with fellow A-listers. But they soon descend into the surreal when, despite his enormous wealth and fame, Elton embarks on a small-scale con to make trivial amounts of cash. Scams include 'Baccy Run', 'Dole Fiddle', 'Hooky Videos', 'Electrical Goods Scam', 'Bandit Beater', 'Lottery Syndicate Diddle', 'Roofing Racket', 'Marked Note Con', 'Window Cleaning Scam' and 'Compen Con'. At the end of each strip Elton, having been rumbled through bad luck or incompetence, is normally shown to have been beaten at his own game by other celebrities, often in disguise, mostly his "enemies", e.g. David Bowie, The Bee Gees, Rod Stewart, Diana Ross and the Supremes or "the surviving members of Queen", who are shown launching more successful small-scale scams of their own, often singing iconic lines, sometimes adapted, from their own songs.
• Embarrassing Wife – One-off quarter-page strip featuring a two-faced husband attending a party with his wife. Just as they ring the bell the husband warns the wife 'not to do anything stupid'. He then goes on to behave disgustingly, drinking to excess, slobbering over another female party-goer, vomiting in the flowers, bashing the host and finally ending up with his trousers around his ankles and a lamp-shade on his head, dead drunk, and with the wife carefully saying 'I think maybe its time we made tracks dear.' He responds with heavy sarcasm, 'DO you!' In the car back home he berates her: 'I hope you're satisfied! You made me look like a right fool back there!'
• Eminemis The Menace – starred in a one-off strip, a cross between Eminem and Dennis the Menace.
• Eric Daft – "His IQ is less than 2" – An early Terry Fuckwitt prototype.