The Fast Show

Style and content

List of regular characters and sketches

• "Unlucky" Alf, a lonely old pensioner living somewhere in Northern England for whom nothing ever goes right. He often predicts an unfortunate, but obvious, event, only to encounter a worse event as he tries to avoid the first problem. His catchphrase is his resigned "Oh bugger!" as something terrible happens.
• "Anyone fancy a pint?", a man who finds himself in boring or bizarre situations, such as a dinner party where a woman is talking about how she was abandoned as a child and crying about everyone letting her down. Whitehouse then interrupts at the most insensitive moment asking "Anyone fancy a pint?", before he and most of the men in the room leave. One early sketch featured Higson portraying an earnest claymation animator who describes the animation process in excruciatingly tedious detail by moving each feature "just a tiny amount" until Whitehouse's character sneaks away, whispering the punch line. According to an audio commentary as part of the extras in The Ultimate Fast Show Collection, Park loved the sketch and sent copies of it to friends and family that year as a video Christmas card.
• Archie the pub bore. An elderly teddy boy like character with bad teeth, who talks to random people in the pub, and when they mention their profession, no matter what it is and however unlikely, he always claims to have had the same profession, saying that it is the "hardest game in the world. Thirty years, man and boy!" He has an obsession with Frank Sinatra, almost invariably steering the conversation towards the singer and weakly singing the title line of "High Hopes", after mentioning how he and his friend Stan fared on a recent fishing trip, with Stan apparently being utterly hopeless at the pastime.
• Arthur Atkinson, parody of 1940s music hall entertainers such as Max Miller and Arthur Askey, introduced by Tommy Cockles, himself a parody of presenters of TV history. Atkinson delivers mostly nonsensical jokes, and repeats his two signature phrases "How queer!" and "Where's me washboard?" This never fails to make the audience laugh. The only exception was a huge scandal caused by Atkinson saying the word "shit" in public. Atkinson's long-suffering sidekick Chester Drawers also appears, usually to an empty theatre, only for it to fill again as soon as Atkinson returns to the stage. Off camera, Atkinson is portrayed as a lecherous bully and sketches in later series feature him struggling to fit into the changing styles of comedy in the 1960s and 1970s
• Billy Bleach, tousle-mopped, interfering pub know-it-all who gets it all wrong, usually ending up with others losing money. His catchphrases include "Hold the bells" and "Someone's sitting there, mate". This character starred in his own series, Grass which was shown on BBC Three, later on BBC Two.
• Bob Fleming, the ageing, incompetent Norfolk host of Country Matters, who has an extremely bad cough. His surname is a pun on phlegm-ing. Country matters is a Shakespearean euphemism for cunnilingus, from Hamlet. In addition to Bob, two of his friends – Clive Tucker, who cannot stop shouting 'Arse!' and Jed Thomas, who cannot stop sneezing – make regular appearances on his show. These two characters switched names from series 2 onwards.
• Brilliant Kid. In the first draft of the script for the pilot, this character was called Eric and was described as "a young Yorkshire man" but in the series he is never named. He delivers an edited monologue listing everyday things, all of which he declares to be "brilliant!" or "fantastic!" as he walks through a series of random backgrounds during which the quality and format of the images also randomly changes. In one episode he expresses doubt about whether everything really is 'brilliant' or not, and as he is walking through one background, an abandoned funfair, he debates with himself halfheartedly
• Carl Hooper, Australian presenter of That's Amazing, a spoof of pop-science shows, in particular the Australian show The Curiosity Show. Normally such a person would try to pass off an everyday animal or object as something magical. The one occasion where a guest had a truly amazing story to tell was not able to be broadcast due to the guest's inability to refrain from swearing excitedly while relating the tale
• Chanel 9, a low-budget television channel from a country known only as "Republicca", or full title "Republicca Democratia Militaria" ruled by "El Presidente" who resembles a stereotypical Latin American dictator. Spoken in a concocted language loosely based on Italian, Greek, Spanish and Portuguese, mashed together with nonsensical phrases and incongruous English names and words. Early segments featured the Chanel 9 Neus, read by anchormen Poutremos Poutra-Poutros - later Poutremos Poutra-Poutremos and Kolothos Apollonia, followed by the weather forecast with meteorologist Poula Fisch, invariably reporting a temperature for all locations of 45 °C while exclaiming "Scorchio!" with apparent surprise. Later series would feature other Channel 9 programs including a children's channel, a variety show and, in the 1996 Christmas special, a rock opera titled 'Holy Sprog'.
• Chip Cobb, the deaf stuntman, a TV and film stuntman who, because of his hearing problems, always mishears his instructions and proceeds to carry them out incorrectly before anyone can stop him, much to the despair of the film crew. In the East Midlands of England, a "chip cob" is a sandwich of chips made with a bread roll.
• Chris the Crafty Cockney, claims to be an incurable kleptomaniac. He is left alone with something valuable and invariably steals it. Because of how upfront he is about his thieving nature, most people tend to believe he is joking. In one sketch, he even alludes to being an actual clinical kleptomaniac and involuntarily steals from his friend Dan after Dan trusts him to watch his newspaper stall, after extensively warning him of the risks involved in doing so.
• Colin Hunt, unfunny and irritating office joker. Very socially inept, he compensates with humour by repeating catchphrases or making other extraneous cultural references ad nauseam, as well as multi-coloured clothing, and never being able to answer a question without adding one nonsensical remark after another.
• Competitive Dad, Overcritical and demanding of his kids, he always has to get one up on them. For instance; playing a game of squash with his young son as though he were playing another adult skilled at the game, "Come on Toby!" Day explained in an interview that he had based the idea for the character on a man he noticed in a public swimming pool who challenged his two young children to a race. Day thought he would let them win, but instead he took off and stood on the other end of the pool waiting for his toddler sons to struggle their way across the pool. Day thought of it as "sick".
• Professor Denzil Dexter, bespectacled, long-haired, bearded and highly laid-back scientist at the University of Southern California who conducts bizarre scientific experiments.
• Different With Boys, a woman who is assertive and assured when in the company of other women, but becomes coy, giggly and childishly winsome whenever a man enters the room. The character debuted in series 1 during a small segment in the credits, but only became a recurring character later on.
• The 13th Duke of Wybourne, posh, rumpled dinner-jacketed, lecherous cigar smoker, reminisces about finding himself in wholly unsuitable places, generally involving women, considering his "reputation". His only line is his signature phrase, which is always in the same format, but details vary – such as "Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here, in a women's prison at 3 AM? With my reputation? What were they thinking?"
• The Fat Sweaty Coppers, a squad of police officers who cannot do their job properly as they are extremely overweight due to their constant eating and drinking. Some of these sketches were preceded by a parody of the opening of ITV police procedural The Bill. Two sets of legs would be shown walking down a street, dropping sweet wrappers, disposable cups and fast food containers as they go. Another sketch parodies the 1994 movie Speed.
• Girl Men Can't Hear, a woman who tries to put forward an idea to a group of men but is completely ignored, only for a man in that group to repeat what she has just said and receive congratulations from the others for having had such a good idea. This character was invented by Weir to parody similar experiences she had had with the men in the Fast Show team.
• "I'll Get Me Coat", a socially inept Brummie, who is unable to make any appropriate contribution to a conversation, and disgraces himself with a faux pas before using the punchline and leaving. However, in one sketch his accent disappears as the character tries to upstage his friends as to how middle-class he is.
• "I'm not Pissed", a family – mother, father and son – who regularly point out that they are not drunk despite the fact they are taking regular sly swigs from gin bottles, beer cans, and the like hidden throughout the house. The family also includes a grandfather, who can be found outside the house resolutely, but unconvincingly, singing the family mantra "I'm not pissed".
• Indecisive Dave, a man who tries to have opinions about the topic du jour whilst talking with his mates in the pub, but refuses to disagree with any of them for fear of offending. As a result he fails to come to a conclusion about anything and lives his life in a state of perpetual bewilderment.
• Insecure Woman, appears in a variety of different locations, usually exclaiming, "Does my bum look big in this?". Weir subsequently published a novel, Does My Bum Look Big in This?: the Diary of an Insecure Woman.
• Jesse, a taciturn country bumpkin who exclaims his strange diets, fashion tastes and experiments, in a single sentence "This week, I 'ave been mostly..." - except for one sketch, where he says "This week, I 'aven't been 'ungry."
• John Actor, who plays Inspector Monkfish, the title character in a fictional BBC police drama. Monkfish is a "tough, uncompromising cop" who often exclaims to the nearest woman, "Put your knickers on and make me a cup of tea!". There were variations on the show's format, two examples being Monkfish as a "tough, uncompromising doctor" in Monkfish M.D. and Monkfish as a "tough, uncompromising vet" in All Monkfish Great and Small. One Monkfish sketch even crossed over onto Chanel 9 with a promo for a series named after him with his catchphrase spoken in the channel's comedic language. Sometime between the end of series 3 and the last episode, John Actor dies yet the series is apparently continuing in the manner of Taggart after the death of the lead actor.
• Johnny Nice Painter, an artist who revels in painting landscapes outdoors, alongside his wife. As he paints he describes the various colours. But whenever he or his wife Katie mentions the colour "black", he becomes overtaken by depression and, despite his wife's best efforts, suffers a psychotic episode, shouting wildly about the despair of mankind. His appearance is allegedly based on bearded TV painter Alwyn Crawshaw.
• Ken and Kenneth, two tailors in a men's formal wear shop, who bombard potential customers with sexually explicit innuendo about their private life, frequently interjecting the catchphrase "Ooh! Suit you, sir!," much to the discomfort of the customer. They become confused and even frightened in two episodes; one when they get a customer who is gay, and another with a customer who is as willing to talk about sexual deviance as they are. Due to Williams's absence from the online series, his character Kenneth was written out and replaced by Kenton, played by Charlie Higson.
• Louis Balfour, pretentious and ultra laid-back presenter of Jazz Club, based on a blend of Bob Harris and Roger Moore. Seemingly having done his "research", he introduces his guests by comparing them to avant-garde jazz musicians or describing their style/technique by using complex musical phraseology. These guests usually turn out to be utterly talentless "experimentalists", generally to his bemusement. Although he also often appears to appreciate the music, on one occasion he follows his apparent appreciation with a look of disgust. His catchphrase "Nice!" is delivered after turning to a different camera for that word only; he later delivers other words in a similar manner. His jazz characters often have ridiculous names of real places, such as 'Theydon Bois' on drums and 'Stamford Brook' on bass, and 'Stepney Green', son of Soylent. Some guests appear to be obvious parodies of real musicians such as Jay Kay, Tony Bennett and Nigel Kennedy. In one episode Jazz Club is replaced by "Indie Club", presented by the abrasive Simon Rhodes as a parody of the music journalism of the time. His musical guests, Colon, are described as dangerous and uncompromising, only for the music to be twee jangly indie-pop.
• "No Offence", also known as Pushy Saleswoman, a rude, orange-faced South African department store cosmetics saleswoman who has no qualms about informing women of their physical imperfections, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she herself is unattractive.
• "Our" Janine Carr, a teenage mum with a unique world outlook. She refuses to reveal who the father of her baby is because "it's not fair to grass on your headmaster". She often speaks about celebrities she loves and is sometimes sitting in her bedroom with several posters of a celebrity on the walls. Some of these are realistic, such as Lisa Stansfield and Brian Harvey, others less so.
• The Patagonians a group of South American musicians who seem to never be able to get further than a few seconds into a song before it degenerates into a tuneless shambles. They play in bizarre locations, and notable instruments they use are pan pipes, an acoustic guitar and maracas.
• Patrick Nice, a man who tells far-fetched, sometimes odd stories, usually containing an element of extraordinary fortune or success, such as his son winning the Nobel Prize – followed by calmly saying his catchphrase, "Which was nice."
• Ron Manager, a football commentator who speaks in incoherent sentence fragments on randomly divergent trains of thought. He usually appears with interviewer and fellow Scottish commentator Tommy, and whenever a question is posed to Tommy, Ron Manager often begins one of his "stream of consciousness" monologues based on one of the words or names in the question, often finishing with youngsters playing with "jumpers for goalposts". Based on former football manager from the 1960s and 1970s, Alec Stock.
• Rowley Birkin QC, a retired barrister, tells mostly unintelligible stories at the fireside. Occasionally, his speech becomes coherent for a short while, containing strange phrases such as "The whole thing was made completely out of matchsticks" or "Snake! Snake!" Almost always ends his stories with a sly "I'm afraid I was very, very drunk". In the final episode of series 2, his rambling anecdote appeared to involve a woman for whom he had great affection and ended with a close-up of faint tears on his cheeks, while the usual "very drunk" line was delivered in an unexpectedly moving, sorrowful voice. The character is reprised as a working barrister in the spin-off feature Ted and Ralph. Whitehouse revealed on the UK chatshow Parkinson that the character was based on his friend Andrew Rollo whom he met on a fishing trip to Iceland; Rollo appeared in a Suit You, Sir! The Inside Leg of the Fast Show documentary in 1999, which revealed how closely Rowley's speech resembled that of his real-life inspiration. At the end of a Christmas episode the caption revealed that he has died. "Rowley Birkin QC 1918 – 2000"; however, despite this on-screen demise he appeared in the 2011 online specials.
• Roy and Renée, a northern couple, with endless chattering from Renée and subdued nodding from her quiet, submissive husband Roy, whom she expects to agree meekly with everything she says. Roy always embarrasses her at the end of every sketch, after which he gets a stinging reprimand from his wife. She makes her last appearance in the show during the 1996 Christmas Special, when Roy's mother finally gives in to holding back her resentment towards Renée's smug attitude.. In the 2020 Gold documentary The Fast Show: Just A Load Of Blooming Catchphrases, made after the death of Aherne, Roy sits alone on the sofa in his house, sad and mute now that the evidently deceased Renée is no longer there to chastise him.
• Rubbish Dad, the father and opposite of Brilliant Kid who proclaims everything to be "rubbish." He is usually only seen in an industrial scrapheap area. The only things he does like are Elvis, Hitler and Des Lynam.
• Simon and Lindsey, two offroaders and extreme sport enthusiasts who, despite their unusually high confidence and self-esteem, are useless at their hobby.
• Swiss Toni, a car salesman who, usually in the presence of his bemused trainee Paul, compares everything to seducing and making love to a beautiful woman. The character later appeared in a spin-off sitcom, also titled Swiss Toni, set in his car dealership. Swiss is one of the few non-original characters in the show, having previously appeared in the second series of The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer in 1995, which was produced by Higson and featured cameos from many members of The Fast Show. Charlie Higson stated that the voice was based on his own poor impersonation of Sean Connery.
• Ted and Ralph – repressed country squire Lord Ralph Mayhew attempts to strike up a relationship with his introverted Irish estate worker Ted, by way of subtle erotic subtexts in his conversations with him. Also the title of a one-off, hour-long spin-off feature, reprising the characters, with cameos from a few other characters.
• Two Builders, who are always shown on their lunch break with one telling stories of his life experiences to his working mate. Catchphrase: "Did I f...", the punch-line of his story is cut off at the end of every sketch by television static noise.
• "You ain't seen me, right?", an unknown traveller who says "You ain't seen me, right?" to some minor characters in the show and sometimes the viewer. He comes up in the show in various locations, always wearing a sheepskin coat, and is at one point on Chanel 9 News sitting in the sports reporter's seat. He is also seen in the background when the Brilliant Kid walks past.