People Just Do Nothing

Premise

Cast and characters

Main

• Allan "Seapa" Mustafa as Anthony "MC Grindah" Zografos, the MC and founder/leader of the radio station. Grindah proclaims himself to be a musical genius, to the general indifference of Brentford and beyond, and struggles with the idea of anyone not liking garage music or realising his talent. He is childish and selfish, taking doting girlfriend/fiancée/wife Miche for granted and often bullying Beats into timidly agreeing with him. His posturing is frequently exposed, often resulting in his delusions being exposed. While easily frustrated and angered by a lack of recognition for his talent he is just as easily placated by any sort of positive recognition. He finally pushes Miche too far with his selfish behaviour at the end of Series 3, resulting in the pair briefly breaking up and Grindah becoming a hard drug addict. Grindah is eventually able to win her back after making only superficial changes to his behaviour and the pair marry at the end of Series 4. At the end of series 5 he is relocated outside of Brentford with Miche and Angel to Essex when the block of flats is scheduled for demolition.
• Hugo Chegwin as Kevin "DJ Beats" Bates, the principal DJ. Beats is the best friend of Grindah but is often bullied by him, much to the frustration of his partner, Roche. Despite his largely one-way friendship with Grindah — who uniformly either attempts to top anything Beats says or put him down openly — he remains utterly devoted to his MC. However, while Beats is a big believer in Kurupt FM he is also devoted to the long-suffering Roche and with attempting to form some sort of bond with his stepson Craig, something he often has to balance with keeping Grindah happy. Beats is naïve and almost as deluded as Grindah but is generally a more amiable and balanced person.
• Asim Chaudhry as Chabud "Chabuddy G" Gul, a failed local entrepreneur. Confident and smooth-talking but deluded, his schemes usually bring trouble to the group. Chabuddy believes himself to be an entrepreneur, and over the course of the series tries many schemes — among them an internet cafe, attempting to market factory rejected peanuts as "Peanut Dust", printing questionable bootleg t-shirts, opening a club named the Champagne Steam Rooms and managing Kurupt FM. All of these ventures largely end in disaster, and by the third series he is forced to live in the back of his van while taking on part-time work at an electronics store. His love-life is just as catastrophic — at the start of the series he is married to Aldona, a Polish immigrant who overtly loathes him — which Chabuddy is either oblivious to or chooses to ignore out of desperation. She eventually robs him and leaves him for good, after which he desperately tries to land a new partner. His lack of social skills mean this is largely unsuccessful until he ends up in an emotionally damaging relationship with Miche's sexually aggressive mother Carol, which he eventually breaks off. At the end of the series he takes advantage of Steves' naivety to move into the flat and set up a cold-calling centre.
• Steve Stamp as Steven "Steves" Green, an uncouth drug addict and dull-witted lovable loser. His nan originally owns the flat from which the station broadcasts. After she is moved into an old people's home Grindah moved Kurupt FM into the flat, and due to his drug-addled stupidity is taken advantage of by the rest of the group. Steves DJs on Kurupt but only on graveyard shifts or when Grindah and Beats are busy with other antics, but more often acts as station dogsbody, often being sent to steal items the group needs — for which he is never thanked, while his doormat personality and substance dependency mean Chabuddy also often takes advantage of him. Steves is also a big believer in conspiracy theories, and on occasion shows surprising perception and talent — such as being a surprisingly talented pianist. He is also very close to his grandmother — the only relative of his seen in the series — and is devastated when she dies at the end of Series 3, spiralling before convincing himself she has been reincarnated as Beats' daughter Robyn. At the end of Season 4 he is arrested at Kurupt due to both the presence of pirate radio equipment and his huge personal stash of drugs but escapes with probation. Despite the dire risks of further prosecution the group continues to use his flat as the base for Kurupt and have him run errands.
• Dan Sylvester as Decoy, a level-headed DJ at the radio station. It is heavily implied that Decoy is the biological father of Miche's daughter Angel, a possibility to which Grindah remains completely oblivious. Decoy is non-confrontational and largely tries to keep out of the group's antics. He clearly has big reservations about the way Angel is being raised by Grindah and Miche but largely remains passive, though he reacted angrily to news of Angel moving to Essex. It seems that he is very popular with the ladies, and he frequently has to fend off the unsubtle advances of Carol. He is also frequently the target of Chabuddy's attempts at friendship. It is also heavily implied that the main reason Decoy spends so much time with Kurupt is to have a way of remaining close to Angel.
• Lily Brazier as Michelle Louise "Miche" Zografos, Grindah's girlfriend and, later, wife. She works at a hair salon, and dreams of becoming a celebrity. Miche is amiable but unintelligent, shown to be greatly influenced by social media and gossip magazines. She indulges Grindah, who she believes is the perfect man, and is an ardent believer in Kurupt FM. She is often let down when real life doesn't gel with her celebrity-tinged expectations but largely keeps cheerful and upbeat. At the end of Series 3 she finally loses patience with Grindah's selfishness and kicks him out, instead channelling most of her energy into trying to make Angel a celebrity with Miche as her "Mumager". However, she reconciles with Grindah and they marry at the end of Series 4 — though Miche is unable to pronounce "Zografos". In the final series she moves to Essex along with Grindah and Angel.
• Ruth Bratt as Roche, Beats' girlfriend, a security guard at a local cash and carry and former bouncer. Roche loves Beats but hates the radio station and despises Grindah. She has violent tendencies, being banned from working as a bouncer across the country due to an incident where a customer didn't have his ID and often seems to get excited at the chance to attack someone. This aside she is largely a balanced and sensible person, frequently being the most perceptive and worldly — for example, noting that Grindah and Miche are bad parents in a talking head. Roche tolerates Beats' bumbling side and her slovenly son Craig, and later she also develops a bond with Miche despite having vastly different personalities — even if she more pities Miche for her delusions.
• George Keywood as Craig, Roche's son from a former marriage, in his late teens, he is mostly at home playing video games. Morbidly obese and spoilt by Roche, his habits include eating packets of sliced ham, masturbating and loudly playing Call of Duty online into the small hours. Despite Craig's initial indifference to him, Beats is eventually able to bond with Craig. Despite his appearance and quiet personality, Craig has a surprising amount of success with women. In the final series he goes to university.
• Olivia Jasmine Edwards as Angel Zografos, Miche's young daughter. Grindah treats Angel as his daughter, but it is implied she was fathered by Decoy — Grindah believes her darker skin is due to his Cypriot heritage while Miche lamely offers that she was using a lot of spray tan during pregnancy. Angel is generally a sweet and happy child despite the neglect of both Grindah and Miche, who largely avoid parenting her. Miche especially treats Angel as a mere accessory, planning to earn a living off Angel's future fame and trying sabotage any friends she makes at school out of jealousy. Due to Grindah usually not paying her much attention she seems to view Decoy as a father figure.