Open marriage
Open marriage is a form of non-monogamy in which the partners of a dyadic marriage agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual or romantic relationships, without this being regarded by them as infidelity or adultery, and consider or establish an open relationship despite the implied monogamy of marriage. There are variant forms of open marriage such as swinging and polyamory, each with the partners having varying levels of input into their spouse's activities.
Terminology
A general definition of an open marriage is that there is an agreement between the two partners to have some degree of sexual interaction outside the couple. There are variant forms of open marriage, each with the partners having varying levels of input on their spouse's activities.The term open marriage originated in sociology and anthropology. Through the 1960s, researchers used "closed marriage" to indicate the practices of communities and cultures where individuals were intended to marry based upon social conventions and proscriptions, and open marriage where individuals had the ability to make their own choice of spouse.
Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples was a best selling book published by M. Evans & Company in 1972 by Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill. It was on the New York Times Best Seller list for 40 weeks. It has been translated into 14 languages and has sold more than 35 million copies worldwide according to the publisher. The book changed the meaning of the term. The O'Neills describe open marriage as a relationship in which each partner has room for personal growth and can individually develop outside friendships, rather than focus obsessively on their couplehood and their family unit. Most of the book describes approaches to revitalizing marriage in areas of trust, role flexibility, communication, identity, and equality. Chapter 16, entitled "Love Without Jealousy", devoted 20 pages to the proposition that an open marriage might possibly include some forms of sexuality with other partners. Fueled by frequent appearances of the O'Neills on television and in magazine articles, the redefinition entered popular consciousness, and open marriage became a synonym for sexually non-monogamous marriage.
In her 1977 book The Marriage Premise, Nena O'Neill advocated sexual fidelity in a chapter of that name. As she later said, "The whole area of extramarital sex is touchy. I don't think we ever saw it as a concept for the majority, and certainly it has not proved to be."
Definitional issues
The meaning of open marriage can vary from study to study depending on how the particular researchers have set their selection criteria.Individuals might claim to have open marriages when their spouses would not agree. Studies and articles that interview individuals without taking their married status into account may not receive accurate information about the actual "open" status of the marriage. Blumstein and Schwartz asked more than 6,000 couples whether or not they had an understanding allowing sex outside their relationship. Interviewed individually, the partners in some couples gave very different responses to this question; the respective replies from one married couple were
- "We've never spoken about cheating, but neither of us believe in it. I don't think I'd ever forgive him. I don't think I'd be able to. I don't know. I haven't met up with that situation.".
- "Sure we have an understanding. It's 'You do what you want. Never go back to the same one.' See, that's where it's going to screw your mind up, to go back the second time to the same person.".
Blumstein and Schwartz found that 15 percent of married couples share an agreement that allows extramarital sex, but only about 24 percent of men and 22 percent of women who had such an agreement actually engaged in extramarital sex during the prior year.
Researchers have applied open marriage in overly narrow terms, as when Hunt used it specifically to mean swinging couples who meet with other swinging couples to swap mates.
Open marriage is usually defined in terms of legally married, opposite-sex partners, and thus data collected may not generalize to other kinds of open relationships. For example, cohabiting couples tend to show higher levels of involvement in extra-relational intimacy compared to married couples.
Gay male couples show very high levels of open relationships compared to straight couples.
There is a lack of content regarding studies and educational programming in open marriage and diverse relationship structures. Due to this, there is much uncertainty regarding the topic.
Common misconceptions of nonmonogamy include that it violates principles of all religions, and that it is equivalent to polygyny or polygamy.
Ideals of an open marriage
- Here-and-now living combined with realistic expectations: There is a reduction of commitment to and sacrifice in the long-term goals.
- Personal privacy: A greater respect for personal privacy than in a traditional marriage.
- Open and honest communication: sharing, self-disclosure, and productive fighting.
- Role flexibility: open partners exhibit this considerably.
- Open companionship: avoiding traditional marriage assumptions of coupledness. This may involve the development of deep personal, sexual relationships with other members outside their marriage.
- Equality: equality of power as well as responsibility.
- Pursuit of identity: An individual's uniqueness is valued, differences are not seen as a threat.
- Mutual trust: an assumption that everything is out on the open and that one's partner is not a possession that is guarded.
Relationship maintenance
Other couples drop out of the open marriage lifestyle and return to sexual monogamy. These couples may continue to believe open marriage is a valid way of life, just not for them.
The extent to which open marriage actually contributes to divorce remains uncertain. Blumstein and Schwartz note a slightly higher risk of divorce among couples who engage in extramarital sex, even if the couples agree to allow extramarital sex. However, Rubin and Adams did not observe any significant difference in the risk of divorce for couples in open marriages and couples in sexually monogamous marriages.
Jealousy issues
A 1981 study concluded that around 80 percent of people in open marriages experienced jealousy over their extramarital relationships. Couples in open marriages experienced as much or more jealousy than people in sexually monogamous marriages.Styles
Couples in open marriages may prefer different kinds of extramarital relationships. Couples who prefer extramarital relationships emphasizing love and emotional involvement have a polyamorous style of open marriage. Couples who prefer extramarital relationships emphasizing sexual gratification and recreational friendships have a swinging style of open marriage. These distinctions may depend on psychological factors such as sociosexuality and may contribute to the formation of separate Polyamory and Swinging communities. Despite their distinctions, however, all open marriages share common issues: the lack of social acceptance, the need to maintain the health of their relationship and avoid neglect, and the need to manage jealous rivalry.Many open couples establish rules that forbid emotional attachment, extramarital children, extramarital sex in the marital bed, extramarital sex with those known to both partners, or extramarital sex without the use of barrier contraception.
Some open marriages are one-sided. Some situations giving rise to this are where the libidos of partners differ greatly, or illness renders one partner incapable of, or no longer desiring, sex. The couple may remain together while one partner seeks out sexual gratification as he or she sees fit. The difference between these situations and a cheating situation is that both partners in the marriage are aware of, and agree to the arrangement.
Types of openness: from "polyamory style" to "swinging style"
Extramarital relationships vary in terms of the degree of sexual involvement desired and the degree of emotional involvement desired. Presented with the potentiality of non-monogamous intimacy, a given individual might be motivated more either by the desire for multiple sexual partners or a wider erotic experience than offered by monogamy, or by the desire for multiple others with whom to form an emotional or familial bond.Polyamory is motivated by a desire to expand love by developing emotionally involved relationships with extramarital partners. Swinging is motivated by a desire for physical gratification by engaging in sexual activities with extramarital partners. The distinction between polyamory and swinging applies to open marriages. Delineation of polyamory and swinging has appeared in academic literature, popular media, and Web sites devoted respectively to polyamory and to swinging.