Recurring segments on The Colbert Report
In addition to its standard interviews, The Colbert Report featured many recurring segments that cover a variety of topics.
Alpha Dog of the Week
Alpha Dog of the Week is a segment in which Colbert heaps praise on one specific news maker from the previous week for, as Colbert himself puts it, being "such an imposing presence that people automatically fall in place behind you, deferentially sniffing your butt." The irony of the segment comes from the fact that the honoree has typically fallen from grace as a result of the supposed alpha behavior Colbert is celebrating.Atone Phone
The Atone Phone was introduced in the 2006 season during the Jewish High Holidays. Colbert interprets the Ten Days of Repentance to mean that Jewish people should apologize specifically to him, and introduces a hotline that Jews can call to apologize for anything that they may have done to "wrong" Colbert. The phone occasionally rings during the show, with an old style bell ringer that rings to the tune of Hava Nagila. The segment is reintroduced every season during the High Holidays, and each subsequent season it is revealed that the number to call has to be shared with another hotline that shares the same number, first 1-888-MOPS-KEY and later 1-888-MOSS-LEW., 1-888-MOS-PLEX, 1-888-NORS-LEZ, 1-888-O-MRS-LEX, and 1-888-O-NPR-LDY.Better Know a District
Better Know a District is a recurring segment where Colbert interviews members of Congress from specific districts, hoping to fill all 434 spaces on his map. The segment features Colbert first giving a short history lesson on the district, then interviewing the representative and asking them "loaded" questions.Spinoffs
- Better Know a Challenger, a segment during the 2006 Congressional Elections where Colbert interviewed challengers because the incumbent declined to appear on his show.
- Better Know a Protectorate, a 4-part series focusing on the protectorates of the United States.
- Better Know a Founder, a 56-part series focusing on the signers of the United States Declaration of Independence.
- Better Know a President, a 43-part series where Colbert interviews former Presidents by speaking to impersonators.
- Meet an Ally, a series focusing on the nations in the Coalition of the Willing.
- Betterer Know a District, features extended versions of previously shown interviews.
- Better Know a Memory, a "recap" of sorts following the 2006 elections, showing "better known" representatives that had been returned to Congress.
- Better Know a Presidential Candidate Who'll Talk to Me, an indefinite series featuring interviews with presidential candidates from the 2008 presidential election. To date, only Republicans Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul have appeared for such interviews, although Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards have all made appearances on the Report.
- Better Know a Governor, a series focusing on state governors
- Better Know a Lobby, a 35,000-part series, introduced on the February 6, 2008 episode, focusing on lobbyists that work on Capitol Hill.
- Better Know a Beatle, a 4-part series focusing on the members of The Beatles.
- Better Know a Cradle of Civilization, a 1-part series about the history of Iraq shown during Operation Iraqi Stephen.
- Better Know a Made Up District, a part series about made up districts; a reference to inaccurate submissions to the United States government's website that tracks the spending of stimulus money, by business people who made up congressional districts.
- Better Know a Stephen, a segment introduced December 16, 2009 in which Colbert interviews other prominent men named Stephen.
- Better Know an Enemy, a series focusing on the terrorist enemies.
- Better Know a Riding, a 1-part segment focusing on the Canadian Electoral District held by Member of Parliament Ujjal Dosanjh which took place on February 22, 2010 during the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. The riding profiled was Vancouver South, where the Olympics took place.
- Better Know a Kissinger, A one part series on Henry Kissinger prior to Colbert's interview of Henry Kissinger.
- Better Know a Salinger/Hemingway, One-part series on whoever he profiles in the Colbert book club.
- Better Know a America, A one part series in which Stephen Colbert interviews President Obama.
The Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude
The Boards
Originating from phrases used by Colbert as a warning or condemnation, the On Notice and Dead to Me boards are giant blue boards listing people and things that have angered Colbert. When the On Notice board is full, Colbert is forced to either remove an item or transfer it to the Dead to Me board, which is reserved for his most hated nemeses. One-off variations have included a Called Out white board on August 14, 2006, a red Fantasies board on January 31, 2007, a Do Not Say board on April 25, 2007 and a pocket-sized "On Notice" board on October 2, 2007.Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.
Cheating Death is a medical and health-related segment. During Cheating Death, Colbert refers to himself as Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., a reference to the Honorary Fine Arts Doctorate that was awarded to him by Knox College.The introduction graphic to this segment is a reference to the chess game with Death in Ingmar Bergman's film The Seventh Seal, with Colbert wearing scrubs as he uses trickery to literally cheat Death and win. Colbert usually then prefaces each segment by noting that he is not a medical doctor, but a Doctor of Fine Arts, followed by a joke about what he is allowed to do. The segment usually features accounts of actual medical and health news, including recent breakthroughs and announcements of the type found on other medical and health segments which then segue into plugs for the sponsor, Prescott Pharmaceuticals, and their highly dubious "Vaxa" product line. This health advice is generally dangerous or unhelpful, and said products also cause bizarre side effects such as "Skeletal Xylophoning", or "REO Speedlung". The segment always ends with Colbert saying, "I'll see you in health!," a play on the phrase, "I'll see you in hell!"
On the April 25, 2011 episode, Colbert renamed his product line "Vacsa", after he received a cease-and-desist letter from a company whose line of homeopathic products is actually called Växa. He insisted that any similarities between the two names was purely "axidental".
The segment was used as the culmination of the program's series finale; Death, who was intended to be the show's final guest, does not fall for Colbert's tricks and strangles him upon watching him actually cheat. This results in a struggle that ends with Colbert accidentally killing Death with his pistol Sweetness and becoming an immortal.
Colbert Platinum (CP)
Colbert Platinum is a segment devoted to news regarding expensive and high-profile items, like personal submarines and $750,000 pens, which only the "super rich" could afford. In the introduction, Colbert reminds viewers that the segment is for billionaires "only," instructing "poor" millionaire viewers to change the channel. On October 20, 2008, in recognition of the 2008 financial crisis, the segment was replaced with Colbert Aluminum to cover the formerly wealthy. As of August 20, 2009, Colbert announced that the recession was over and that Colbert Platinum had been reinstated.During the final edition of the sketch on December 17, 2014, Colbert jokingly announced that he had sold the naming rights to The Colbert Report to the whisky brand Dewar's, renaming it The ''ColbDewar’s Repewars.''