The Bagthorpe Saga

Background

Books in the Saga

1. Ordinary Jack
2. Absolute Zero
3. Bagthorpes Unlimited
4. Bagthorpes Versus the World
5. Bagthorpes Abroad
6. Bagthorpes Haunted
7. Bagthorpes Liberated
8. The Bagthorpe Triangle
9. Bagthorpes Besieged
10. ''Bagthorpes Battered''

    Main characters

Parents

• Henry Bagthorpe, father of the family. A highly self-regarding and mildly successful scriptwriter for the BBC although notably these feature no love scenes and he never shows affection for any of his family. Has written for Michael Hordern and Hannah Gordon. He is prone to furious hyperbolic rant reserving a particular distaste for Uncle Parker and even more the infant graffiti artist Daisy, stating "she will herself be in immediate need of an elegy" should she write poems on his walls. At another point he wishes her incinerated through electrocution. Often seeks monetary reparations from Uncle Parker for damage Daisy has caused, typically exaggerating the total. The inclination to suggesting death for those that offend him is repeated with Aunt Lucy who doesn't believe in time "the only logical thing for her...is to clear off to where there isn't any - namely eternity." Neither is he fond of Zero often referring to him as numbskulled, mutton-headed and pudding-footed. Often questions his mental health and fears an imminent nervous collapse and even contemplates self-slaughter during the holiday in Wales. He cuts a ragged figure "...like that of an ill-made bed..." and is known for extreme discourtesy. Laura considers him "...yellow and idle" whilst he shows complete disregard by not knowing her age, birthday, height or hair colour, but settles upon her being "obese" and "mud-eyed" when questioned by the police. A former drink-driver, he has no friends.
• Laura Bagthorpe, mother of the family. An agony aunt, and part-time magistrate, ironically any advice she gives to her own clan is rarely taken. Known as a serial apologist and soft touch by the criminal fraternity who encounter her on the Bench. Has a marked propensity to use the phrase "Oh dear!" in response to the myriad catastrophes she endures and in one novel this amounts to twelve examples. She further copes via "...Breathing, Yoga and Positive Thinking." By the seventh novel these are augmented by "Balance" but she loses her mind and suffers a mental breakdown regardless.

  Children

• William Bagthorpe, sixteen, whose talents include drumming, amateur radio, mathematics, tennis and electronics. An avid reader of sci-fi he spends much of his spare time communicating with an unseen alleged communicator with aliens, the fellow radio-ham "Anonymous from Grimsby".
• Tess Bagthorpe, fourteen, fluent in French she plays the oboe and piano and has a black belt in judo. Highly literate and verbose, she quotes from mythology and literature and is a capable forger. Claims a burgeoning String in hypnotism.
• Jack Bagthorpe, twelve and has no 'Strings' whatsoever. He is thoroughly attached to Zero who regularly receives abusive and mocking commentaries from the other Bagthorpes. Mr Bagthorpe disputes Jack's legitimacy but Grandma is fond of him "in her own way." He is the family member whose thoughts are most often expressed by the narrator. Gentle, caring and sincere, Uncle Parker considers him a "pearl among swine" as illustrated by being the sole Bagthorpe perturbed by his mother's disappearance at the end of the seventh novel.
• Rosie Bagthorpe, ten, whose 'Strings' include mathematics, violin, cello, painting, photography and record keeping.

  Other family members

• Grace Bagthorpe/Grandma, mother of Henry, Celia and Claud. Married to Alfred, they live with the other Bagthorpes at Unicorn House on a 'temporary' basis...which has extended to ten years. Is thrilled by engaging in rows and the aiding and abetting of chaos. Henry is her favourite child since he is always easy to goad into stupendous slanging matches. Despite this one of her fondest wishes is to see him arrested and imprisoned, and when this comes to pass she makes various excuses to avoid posting bail. An accomplished stirrer and cheat, her joy is obtained mainly via schadenfreude. Holds a vendetta against Uncle Parker for running over her spiteful cat Thomas years ago but acquires a replacement. Dotes upon Daisy, calling her a "shining jewel of a child" and probably recognizing her as a kindred spirit, forming what the Bagthorpes term the "Unholy Alliance". Grandma loves the frequent visits of the police and trains herself to memorise car registration numbers in the hope she will one day be a key witness to a criminal event featuring a vehicular element. She takes to writing memoirs that mainly consist of vilifying Henry.
• Alfred Bagthorpe/Grandpa, 85. Lives a quiet life, enjoying fishing and watching television with the sound turned off. Exaggerates his hearing impairment – Russell describes him as "S.D. – Selectively Deaf". It is used as an effective defence to avoid participation in the Bagthorpian rows and to particular effect against communicating with an infuriated Grandma. Often utterly forgotten by the family.
• Aunt Celia Parker, the ethereal and unemployable daughter of Maud and Alfred, and sister to Henry. Married to Russell Parker. Wears cheesecloth in the style of a dishevelled Greek heroine but her attire can stretch to resembling a waterfall. A potter, she also writes poetry and often irrelevantly quotes to the bemusement of the clan. Can finish The Times crossword faster than Mr Bagthorpe despite spending half her time bewildered by reality and wondering where she is and why. The only Bagthorpe described as beautiful and even "very tasty". Willowy with enormous blue eyes and golden hair she maintains her lithe figure by "performing Isadora Duncan-type dances, often barefoot and in the dew." This is undercut by accusations of being "wishy-washy." A vegetarian, she believes in fairy tales, often speaks in dreamy murmurs and by the seventh novel erroneously believes herself pregnant again claiming to having been visited by an "angel" and subject to the immaculate conception of twins. Has a room called The Bower which is "like a cross between the tropical house at Kew and a potting exhibition" and also features a fountain, hidden speakers and a hammock. Seems to drift in and out of consciousness. She is imprisoned in a Bagthorpian potting shed by Daisy where she perceives former inmates Max and Grandma's games of noughts and crosses, scratched in the dirt, as evidence of primeval symbolic writings from the dawn of time. Mrs Fosdyke disputes her mental health claiming she's "only half there" whilst Henry maintains she fell asleep at birth and is in effect a zombie, "permanently out to lunch", an unfit mother and cause of Daisy's delinquency.
• Uncle Russell Parker, husband of Celia Parker. He has a large private income from "something in shares", drives expensive cars very fast and enjoys goading Henry Bagthorpe into confrontations. A well-groomed man, he cultivates the image of enjoying a life of ease and is described as a "...gin-swigging tailor's dummy." No-one has ever seen him work. However, he secretes the fact he jogs every morning at 6am and is partial to a fry-up with Daisy. His mother resembles an ageing Vogue model.
• Daisy Parker, the precocious and perpetually destructive 4-year-old daughter of Celia and Russell. Goes through phases which include flooding, arson, graffiti and morbidity. The latter phase marks a nadir in her popularity, which is notoriously low with all but Rosie and Grandma at Unicorn House when both William and the usually mild Jack wish her "dead and buried". Mrs Fosdyke too has little regard saying she "... should've been put down at birth." When thought lost there is little appetite for her being found. She writes elegies for the interred such as a lamb chop: "All the lams are dying/All the lams are ded" and ascribes arbitrary dates for birth and death such as a mouse living from "1692-1792 Forevver and evver" . A terror of disappearing down the plughole render her antithetical to bathing. Described as having a plump neck and "chubby" fingers. Her inadvertent slaughter of Mr Bagthorpe's goldfish by flooding the pond with curdled milk lead to the issuing of a death threat "It's that bloody infant! I'll kill her!" She develops another phase marked by incarceration in the musty outbuildings of Unicorn House with victims as diverse as tabloid journalists, Max, Grandma, Billy Goat Gruff and Celia. The latter's screaming near breakdown when left seemingly abandoned induces feelings of filicide in Uncle Parker. Daisy later becomes an enthusiastic kicker.
• Uncle Claud, a vicar. He is the son of Grace and Alfred, and brother to Henry. Married to Penelope, they have two children, Luke and Esther. He and his family are considered very boring by the rest of the Bagthorpes.
• Luke, and Esther, Penelope's and Claud's two genius children. Luke is a Young Brain of Britain, Esther a published poet.
• Aunt Penelope, an obsessive compulsive and religious woman, who is the wife of Claud. She is sufficiently worried for her children's health that she puts all library books in the oven to sterilise them before letting her children read them. The rest of the Bagthorpes were very amused to learn that on one occasion she forgot the books, burning them.
• Great Aunt Lucy, 87, an eccentric and wealthy relative of Henry, who lives in Torquay. She visits the family following Mr Bagthorpe's invitation since he seeks to benefit from her testamentary disposition. She does not believe in Time, is afraid of the full moon and has a belligerent Pekinese called Wung Foo.